I had a dream last night that I was at a party, a sort of bridal reception or something turned sleep-over and once I feel asleep in a big room full of all the female guests, two very nice looking people (a man and a woman) went down on me in my sleep. They were fingering and licking me and I was just about to cum, when I was woken by a room full of people who tried to scurry them out of there and were asking me what the fuck was going on. I thought I was just dreaming an amazing set of people came to get me off in my sleep. The two people were the best friend and boyfriend of a woman who was also at this party, who had gotten word of this happening and now wanted to fight me. I was concerned with 3 things:
1. Would I have to fight this girl naked?
2. I didn’t want to fight her.
3. Why were we fighting instead of having a conversation about consent?
Interestingly, the females hid the man in the bathroom and let the other female run away to be admonished by her friend for her wanting me and maybe disowned for performing a sex act in collaboration with her boyfriend.
While there are many different, interesting and I’m sure telling aspects of this dream, the harboring of the men who fucked up and the ditching of the women, leaving them to fend for themselves is interesting to me.
1. Why, when I say anything about the mainstream lit scene being comprised of a disproportionate amount of white men does some woman always feel the need to defend white men?
All I said was a fact. An observable truth. I didn’t say down with white men. I didn’t say put their heads on sticks. I just said they get to talk all the time and us, these people who comprise the rest of society, don’t get to talk as much, don’t get asked to perform, don’t get handed the mic.
It’s the whole “some men vs. all women” thing again. It is also a certain harboring of a culturally reinforced truth. Why are we all so okay with harboring truths like they are secrets? Like they are somehow mean to say? As a culture, we harbor the truth of the mainstream and why? It will hurt white men to realize they are in charge, disproportionately and not because they are inherently better than everyone else? But how much does it hurt everyone else to stay silent? And not to mention this sounds a lot like an unhealthy codependent relationship. If your friend told you over coffee that her husband never listens to her, tells her how the world works all the time as if he is the only one who sees clearly, and expects her silence as a way of preserving his delusion that he is all powerful and important at the cost of her having an equal partner who values and listens to her, would you not tell her to speak the fuck up? Expect equality? Want and deserve an equal? If we keep acquiescing to the norm as if the world will end if we demand to be heard and seen and valued, the norm will never change. I for one am not okay with the norm. It is shitty to be expected to stay silent. To hold up the image of men as so much more than I am myself and know the Achilles heal of their fear that they could be human, could be just like me, yet play the role of propping them up because it has been deemed better for everyone. REALLY? Is it better? Or just easy? Conditioned maybe? Comfortable?
And yes, the white men that perpetuate this due to a discomfort of straying from hearing themselves reflected around them, assuring them of their rightful position in the center, on the top, or wherever the hell they happen to like being, should squirm. Feel a fraction of what it feels like to be in a space that wasn’t designed for you. It isn’t even an exclusionary space, and it isn’t to say that white men don’t do good things or say things worth hearing, it is just a reminder that they are not the only ones that should be talking ALL THE TIME. Good. Feel discomfort. Perhaps let that discomfort grow into inquiry. Let that inquiry inhabit you, drive you to reflect, open up, perhaps grow. THAT IS WHAT I AM ASKING OF YOU FOLKS. You don’t have to give anything up or become smaller. Become larger because of the space you make inside of yourself for others to exist.
2. Why the fuck is it acceptable to address women as “girls?”
This shit makes me cringe. Girl is a diminutive. When it happens in a professional setting, it shows a lack of ability to see a female as a professional equal. When it happens in a hitting-on or flirtatious interaction, it makes the male look like a creeper who not so covertly wants a boob-less, curve-less, naïve female in a way that if he truly wanted a “girl” it would be illegal. As soon as I turn it around and call a male a “boy” he is defensive and offended. It is assumed that a male, should he continue to grow physically and in age, would someday become a man. A woman’s fought-for status to be recognized as an adult, capable person that doesn’t just get awarded to her for growing her boobs as they naturally come in, her ass as it fluffs up behind her or her curves as they cut into her neutral child body, has the vast inequality of her reality against her male counterparts reaffirmed and silenced every single time she is referred to as a “girl.” If I’m old enough, mature enough and grown enough for you to be staring at my ass or for you to expect forty plus hours of work out of me a week, I am also old enough, mature enough and grown enough for you to call me a fucking woman.
3. Why is it not yet common knowledge that having white skin in this country makes you a person of relative privilege?
I am not saying that no white people have anything to say or that they should just light themselves on fire and perish. I am a white person! I have a lot to say. But fuck, I am not they only motherfucker with a voice. I am not the only motherfucker with passion, with sight, with experience, with hardship, with joy. I haven’t experienced everything and even if I had, others have experienced it differently. I am tired of watching people appropriate the hardship of others as if it is their own, since they have the privilege of being able to get into the spotlight more easily than the people they are representing. Why not do the little bit of extra work and make some connections to the people who you are acting as? Why not ask them to tell their stories themselves? Why not pass the motherfucking mic?
I forget sometimes if people are about a cause or using a cause to gain publicity. Don’t get me wrong; I like to be on stage. Once on stage, I live by a couple of rules:
1. Speak for yourself
2. Don’t silence or hush the voices of anyone else,
3. If you believe in empowerment and equality and change towards those ends, pass the fucking mic and let people speak for themselves.